Parents: Where Are You & What Are You Doing?

What Parents of the Bride and Groom Need to Know About the Wedding Day

By Audrey E. Kondelis, Owner of Pole Barn Chic Events

Your son or daughter is getting married. You may have spent months helping with plans, attending appointments, discussing the guest list, tasting food, answering questions, paying deposits, listening to wedding ideas, and hearing more about flowers, dresses, DJs, and seating charts than you ever expected to know. Now the wedding day has finally arrived. So, parents, I have one very important piece of advice: Go eat something. I'm serious. By the time the wedding day arrives, your primary job should no longer be planning, decorating, organizing, or working the wedding. Your job is much more important.

Your job is to be a parent.

After watching countless weddings at Pole Barn Chic Events in Springfield, Illinois, I have learned how much parents influence the emotional tone of a wedding day. Your son or daughter may be grown, have a career, own a home, and have been living independently for years. But on their wedding day, they may still need Mom. They may still look for Dad. What they need most from you isn't another centerpiece perfectly placed on a table.

It's your presence and support.

Give the Wedding Party Some Space

One of my first pieces of advice for parents may be a little surprising: you do not need to spend every minute of wedding morning with your child. Let the bride spend time with her bridesmaids. Let the groom laugh and hang out with his groomsmen. Let the wedding party listen to music, tell stories, get dressed, take pictures, and enjoy some time together without parents hovering over every moment.

These are their friends, and this is part of their wedding experience. Parents will have their moments, too. For the mother of the bride especially, my advice is simple: Be within reach, but you don't have to be within arm's reach.

Get yourself ready. Spend time with the other parents. Eat breakfast. Relax. Enjoy the morning. But if your daughter suddenly asks, “Where's my mom?” Be there. That's your job that morning. Not decorating. Not coordinating vendors. Not arranging charcuterie. Not fixing the seating chart. Being Mom.

Mom, You Had Yours. This One Is Hers.

I'm saying this with love. Moms, you had your wedding. This one belongs to your daughter. Her wedding may look nothing like yours did, and that's okay. You might have chosen different flowers, different food, a different dress, a different ceremony, or even a completely different style of wedding.

You can absolutely offer experience and advice, especially when your daughter asks for it. But there is a difference between helping your daughter plan her wedding and trying to plan the wedding you would have chosen for her.

If you're trying very hard to be involved in a particular decision and it continually isn't working, think of it like a puzzle piece. It doesn't fit. Your daughter may simply want to handle that particular part herself. Let her.

If You're Paying for the Wedding, Discuss Expectations in Advance

Money can complicate wedding planning very quickly.Personally, I do not believe contributing financially to a wedding automatically gives parents more authority over the couple's decisions. If money is being given with conditions attached, those conditions need to be clearly discussed before the couple accepts the money. Is it a gift? Or does paying for the caterer mean Mom expects to choose the menu?

Does paying for the bar mean Dad gets to decide what is served? Does contributing to the venue mean the parents expect control over the guest list? There isn't one correct financial arrangement for every family. What matters is that everyone understands the arrangement from the beginning. At Pole Barn Chic, we follow our contract and take direction from the people who signed it, which is typically the couple getting married. Family financial arrangements should be handled privately and well before wedding day.

Wedding morning is much too late to begin negotiating the terms of a gift.

Parents Can Still Be Incredibly Helpful During Planning

Giving the couple control doesn't mean parents don't have valuable advice. In fact, I think parents can be particularly helpful when discussing catering and the bar. A couple in their twenties may know exactly what their friends like to eat and drink. Their parents may have a much better understanding of what the older guests will enjoy. Our tastes often change as we get older. Parents can help couples consider the entire guest list instead of planning exclusively around their own age group. That's helpful involvement. The goal isn't to override the couple's decisions. It's simply to say: “Here's something you may not have considered.”

Should Parents Attend Wedding Planning Meetings?

When parents are actively involved in the wedding, I think attending some planning meetings can be extremely helpful. At Pole Barn Chic, we occasionally find ourselves becoming a neutral, happy middle ground when parents and couples don't quite see eye to eye. We aren't emotionally attached to either position. We know our building, our policies, and weddings. Sometimes we can explain why an idea will or won't work without the conversation becoming Mom versus daughter or parents versus couple. However, not every parent needs to attend every meeting. Some parents are barely involved in planning at all. Their children handle everything, and Mom and Dad essentially arrive as honored guests. That's perfectly fine, too.

Your level of involvement should reflect the level of involvement your child actually wants from you.

What Should the Mother of the Bride Do on Wedding Morning?

Be available. That's it. If your daughter wants you with her, be there. If she doesn't need you at that particular moment, go enjoy yourself. Talk to the other parents. Eat. Laugh. Tell stories. Get yourself ready. But please don't turn yourself into unpaid wedding labor. I have watched mothers spend wedding mornings running around trying to coordinate things themselves. They're communicating with vendors, setting out decorations, arranging food, solving problems, and worrying about everyone else. Then it's time for family photographs.

Mom is sweating. Her makeup needs to be touched up. Her hair has fallen, and the hair and makeup team has already left. Most importantly, she missed the morning with her daughter. She may have saved some money. But what did that savings cost her?

Saving Money Can Cost You Peace of Mind

This is something I have learned from watching weddings: Saving money can sometimes cost you peace of mind.There is nothing inherently wrong with DIY weddings. For some couples, creating things themselves is part of the fun. The problem is that couples often underestimate the labor involved. A charcuterie table sounds easy until someone has to shop for everything, transport it, refrigerate it, arrange it, replenish it, and clean it up. Wedding favors sound easy until 175 of them need to be arranged. A seating chart sounds simple until three guests change tables, someone cancels, and another guest unexpectedly brings a date.

Linens are easy until someone realizes they all need to be ironed. Every individual task sounds manageable. The problem is that they all need to happen at the same time. Suddenly, Mom isn't Mom anymore. She's an unpaid event employee.

What Should Dad Be Doing? 
Dads often have a slightly different wedding morning. They're frequently handling a last-minute errand, helping with something practical, spending time with the other dads, or disappearing for breakfast. That's fine. Just don't disappear when you're actually needed. There is a wedding timeline for a reason. If you're supposed to be dressed and ready for photographs at 1:30 p.m., don't pull into the parking lot at 1:42 carrying a breakfast sandwich. Wedding photography, ceremonies, vendors, and other people are working from that same timeline. At some point, the show has to go on.With or without you. And Dad, remember something else: Tomorrow, she's still your little girl. A wedding begins a new chapter in her life, but it doesn't erase the relationship you've shared with her all these years. Enjoy it. And when the bar tab comes, try not to grumble too much.

What About the Groom's Parents?

The groom's parents are not secondary participants in a wedding. Spend time with the bride's parents. Get to know one another. Eat together. Laugh together. Enjoy the celebration. Two families are coming together, and the parents have a wonderful opportunity to begin building those relationships. And groom's moms, I especially want to tell you this:

You aren't being replaced. The love between a mother and son is completely different from the love between a husband and wife. One doesn't replace the other. Your son's marriage doesn't diminish your relationship with him. His life is simply growing. And groom's dads? Congratulations. You're gaining a daughter. Welcome her.

Parents Should Not Be Wedding Coordinators

Someone needs to communicate with vendors. Someone needs to know the timeline. Someone needs to handle deliveries. Someone needs to know where the cake goes, when the DJ arrives, when dinner begins, and what happens next. Someone also needs to solve the problems nobody anticipated. That person should not be Mom or Dad. It also shouldn't be a bridesmaid or groomsman. Your wedding party already has a job. They're getting ready, taking photographs, participating in the ceremony, helping the couple, and experiencing the day alongside them. If you're not hiring a professional coordinator, designate someone outside the immediate wedding party to handle wedding-day logistics. At Pole Barn Chic, this is one reason we strongly encourage couples to consider our coordination package. You tell us what you want. We create the plan ahead of time. Then we handle the responsibilities included in your coordination package. You don't need to run your own wedding.

What Happens Without Professional Coordination?

The work doesn't disappear. It transfers to somebody else. At Pole Barn Chic, our team always handles our own room layout, tables, and chairs. We know our property and inventory, and we protect both.

However, rental-only and professional coordination are two different services. Our contracts are intentionally detailed about those differences. If a couple chooses rental-only, the responsibilities that would otherwise be handled through coordination generally become the responsibility of the couple, family, or another person they designate. Vendor communication. Timeline management. Setup. Décor placement. Signage. Food logistics. Cleanup. Problem-solving. Wedding coordination involves an enormous amount of work, much of which couples never see when it's being done correctly. And when professionals aren't doing those jobs - someone in the family probably is.

What Is It Worth for Mom to Actually Be Mom?

This may be one of the most important questions in this entire article. What is it worth for the mother of the bride to actually experience her daughter's wedding? What is it worth for Dad to sit down and talk with relatives instead of hauling things? What is it worth for the maid of honor to be in the photographs instead of communicating with vendors? What is it worth for both sets of parents to eat dinner while it's hot? To me? Priceless. A bride may be completely calm all morning and suddenly need her mom.

She might need reassurance. A hug. Help with her dress. Someone to tell her she looks beautiful. Someone who knows exactly what to say because that person has known her since the day she was born. A wedding coordinator can't replace that. A bridesmaid can't replace that. I can't replace that. Mom can. That's why I'd rather have my staff solving a problem while Mom is upstairs with her daughter.

Keep Wedding-Day Problems Away From the Couple

If something goes wrong, ask yourself one question: Do the bride and groom actually need to know about this right now? If the answer is no, let the appropriate person handle it. The cake is running late? Talk to the coordinator. A guest is upset? Handle it. A relative is causing trouble? Get the appropriate staff or security involved. Something isn't where you expected it to be? Ask the person in charge. The bride and groom do not need a running news report of every minor problem occurring during their wedding. Parents are adults. Handle problems like adults, and keep unnecessary stress as far away from the couple as possible.

Divorced Parents, Stepparents, and Complicated Families

Weddings have an interesting way of bringing old family dynamics back to the surface. Divorced parents. New spouses. Former spouses. Stepparents. Relatives who haven't spoken in years. People who absolutely do not want to sit next to one another.

Here's my advice: You don't have to like each other. You simply need to behave graciously for one day. A wedding isn't the time to settle an old argument, make a point, compete with another parent, or reopen something that happened 15 years ago.

Your son or daughter invited the people they wanted there. Give them the gift of peace. You don't have to become best friends. Just don't become the story everyone tells about the wedding afterward.

What If You Don't Like the Person Your Child Is Marrying?

Well... Aren't you glad it's their life and not yours? There are obviously circumstances involving genuine safety concerns when a parent should speak up. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about ordinary personality differences. You wouldn't have chosen this person. You don't understand the relationship. They're different from your family.

Okay. You don't have to marry them. Your child does. Wedding day isn't the time to make your final argument. Support your child. Smile for the pictures. Welcome the new member of your family. And move forward.

Don't Invite People You Already Know Will Cause Problems

Most families know who their potential troublemakers are. If someone routinely becomes intoxicated, starts arguments, creates scenes, ignores rules, or makes everyone around them uncomfortable, think very carefully before inviting them. Being related to someone doesn't automatically make their presence necessary. If someone does become a problem at the wedding, let the appropriate people handle it. That's one of the reasons security is important.

Preventing a problem is always easier than managing one during a wedding reception.

Parents Need to Understand the Alcohol Rules, Too

At Pole Barn Chic, outside alcohol is prohibited. Period. If Uncle Bob sneaks a bottle onto the property, please don't quietly hide it because you don't want him to get in trouble. Tell Uncle Bob to knock it off. I'll probably tell him, too. 😂 His decision can result in a charge to the couple's card on file, and that's unfair to the people getting married. Our bartenders are trained, and when someone has consumed enough alcohol, service stops. We take alcohol service and guest safety seriously. Parents should also pay attention to their own drinking. You're an important part of the wedding, and your child may need you later in the evening. My general recommendation? Consider switching to water, soda, or another nonalcoholic drink about two hours before the reception ends. You'll be available if your child needs you, you'll be better prepared for the end-of-night logistics, and you'll probably remember the final hours a little better, too.

And something else, it’s not just a venue policy to not bring in outside alcohol. It’s Illinois LAW. And if outside alcohol gets snuck in, then you’re breaking the law, your kids are breaking the law and the guests are breaking the law. But Pole Barn Chic can’t break the law and we take it very, very seriously. Our liquor license matters to us more than your buzz. 
The wedding couple will be fined, and the guest will probably be asked to leave. Let’s hope it’s not a parent that snuck it in, because I am sure you would want to see the entirety of your child’s wedding. 

Your Mood Matters More Than You Realize

Your son may be 30. Your daughter may be 28. They still notice your face. If Mom is sitting in the corner looking miserable, the bride notices. If Dad complains about every expense, she hears it. If the groom's mother looks unhappy throughout dinner, he notices. Parents still have an enormous emotional influence on their children. One of the best ways I can describe a wonderful wedding parent is:

Supportive. Happy. Available. Helpful when needed. Willing to give space. Lots of smiles. No sad faces. Your mood is contagious. Laugh. Eat. Tell stories. Visit with people. Dance. Take pictures. Be proud. Give your child permission to enjoy the wedding by showing them that you're enjoying it, too.

Parents Are Important Hosts

Parents aren't the stars of the reception, but they are important hosts. Welcome people. Visit with relatives. Talk to guests from your side of the family. Make introductions. Thank people for coming. Pay attention during dinner and the formal portions of the evening. Once open dancing begins, everything can become much more casual. Read the room. You don't need to perform. Just participate.

At Pole Barn Chic, We're Watching the Parents, Too

Guest experience is our number-one priority at Pole Barn Chic, and parents are a major part of that experience. Our employees are trained to notice guests who don't appear happy or comfortable. We even have internal code words that allow our team to communicate discreetly when someone may need attention. If Mom looks stressed, we're paying attention. If Dad needs something, we're paying attention. We try to make sure parents have eaten and have something cold to drink. I tend to fall right back into waitress mode during weddings. I'll grab a refill. I'll check on someone. I'll ask Mom how she's doing. Because parents have an enormous effect on the atmosphere of a wedding. When the parents are relaxed, smiling, and enjoying themselves, that energy spreads.

Don't Forget Parents and Grandparents Who Need Assistance

Accessibility may not be the first thing a 25-year-old couple thinks about while touring wedding venues. It becomes much more important when Grandma arrives. Pole Barn Chic has four designated accessible parking spaces, and the event areas throughout our property are accessible. When guests need additional assistance, we can also use golf carts to help reduce the distance they need to walk. We've even opened our large barn doors specifically to shorten the walk for an older guest. Those details may not make the wedding inspiration board. But they matter tremendously to the people you love.

What Should Parents Do at the End of the Wedding?

Ideally? Enjoy the end of the wedding. If professional coordination has been purchased at Pole Barn Chic, our team handles the responsibilities included in that package and helps keep belongings and end-of-night logistics organized. Rental-only is different. Responsibilities and access times vary, which is why couples should understand their package well before wedding day. One thing families commonly forget about is leftover food. Talk to your caterer beforehand about what happens to leftovers and whether containers are provided. Don't wait until the end of the night to discover that you have enough pasta to feed 40 people and absolutely nothing to put it in.

What Does a Great Wedding Parent Look Like? 
The best wedding parents I've worked with aren't necessarily the ones who spent the most money. They're supportive.They're happy. They're available. They're willing to help when appropriate and willing to step away when appropriate.They smile. They don't question every decision the bride or groom makes. They aren't passive-aggressive. They don't make the wedding about themselves. And they understand something incredibly important: Their child is watching them. Years from now, your daughter probably won't remember whether you thought the napkins should have been ivory instead of white. She will remember whether you were happy for her. Your son probably won't remember whether you preferred chicken instead of beef. He'll remember the hug you gave him before the ceremony.

Mom and Dad, Tomorrow They're Still Yours

A wedding changes a family, but it doesn't erase one. Mom, she's still your daughter. Dad, she's still your little girl. Groom's mom, he's still your son. Groom's dad, congratulations—you have another person to love. Your children aren't leaving your family. Your family is getting bigger. Instead of spending the wedding mourning what is changing, celebrate what is being added.

The Best Thing You Can Give Your Child Isn't Money

Parents can spend an extraordinary amount of money on weddings, and that generosity can mean a great deal to a couple. But money isn't the most important thing you can give your child on their wedding day. It's your presence and support. Be available. Be encouraging. Be proud. Let the little things go. Keep unnecessary problems away from them. Don't fight. Don't make passive-aggressive comments. Don't question every decision. Don't spend the morning working. Don't spend the reception cleaning. And don't make your child look across the room and wonder whether you're happy for them. You have one very important job: Be their parent.

There are people who can move tables. There are people who can coordinate vendors. There are people who can clean. There are people who can arrange decorations and create timelines. But there is only one you. So when wedding morning arrives, my advice to parents is actually very simple:

Let the wedding party have their time. Stay close enough that your child can find you. Laugh. Relax. Tell stories. Take pictures. Be supportive. Enjoy the people around you. Don't fight. Don't work the wedding unless you absolutely have to.

And for heaven's sake... Go eat something.

Frequently Asked Questions About Parents on the Wedding Day

What should the mother of the bride do on the wedding day? The mother of the bride should primarily be available to her daughter without hovering. Give the bride time with her wedding party, but remain nearby in case she needs her mom.

Should parents help set up a wedding? Ideally, parents should be able to enjoy the wedding rather than spending the day decorating, cleaning, or coordinating vendors. If professional coordination isn't being used, decide well in advance who will handle those responsibilities.

Do parents have more decision-making authority if they are paying for the wedding? Not automatically. Any expectations attached to financial contributions should be clearly discussed before money is accepted so everyone understands whether the contribution is a gift or comes with agreed-upon conditions.

What should the groom's parents do on wedding day? The groom's parents should enjoy the celebration, support their son, spend time with the other parents, welcome their new family member, and participate in the wedding without feeling like secondary guests.

Who should handle wedding-day problems? Ideally, a professional coordinator or another designated person should handle problems. Minor issues should be kept away from the bride and groom whenever possible.

Should parents drink alcohol at the wedding? Parents can certainly enjoy themselves, but they should remain responsible and available. Switching to nonalcoholic drinks before the end of the reception can make end-of-night responsibilities much easier.

What is the most important thing parents can do on wedding day? Be emotionally present. Your support, happiness, encouragement, and availability matter far more than completing another wedding-day task.

Are You or Someone You Know Planning a Central Illinois Wedding?

If you are in the Midwest and looking for a white barn wedding—or just an awesome one—please consider the PBC Venue.

Pole Barn Chic is a locally owned Springfield, Illinois wedding venue, offering both outdoor and indoor ceremonies and receptions.

From garden weddings and spacious outdoor receptions to small, quaint elopements, Pole Barn Chic is the Springfield IL wedding venue that brings it all together.

Pole Barn Chic is a beautiful Illinois hybrid wedding venue that offers the natural beauty of outdoor country life alongside mind-blowing photo opportunities. This country-meets-chic Midwest wedding venue is a must-see for so many reasons!

At Pole Barn Chic, we want Mom to be Mom, Dad to be Dad, and the wedding party to actually enjoy being part of the wedding. That's one of the reasons we offer professional wedding coordination: the people you love shouldn't have to work your wedding in order to experience it.

To learn more about Pole Barn Chic, read our FAQs, schedule a tour, check availability and more, please visit us on any of our social media sites:

Website: www.pbcvenue.com
Instagram: @polebarnchic
Facebook: Pole Barn Chic
TikTok: @illinois.weddings